HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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