i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
