Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
tonight lets celebrate not being married
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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