I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
