The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize