I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
