if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
