I'm eating all of the evidence.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
