Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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