I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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