I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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