I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
