i would punch a child for taco bell
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
did i just pee glitter
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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