Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
