theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
