I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
