Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
