I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
