you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
