Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
im six kinds of drunk right now
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize