You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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