whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
