i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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