break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
