I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
