think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
