i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
