i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Damn victory sex feels great
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