You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
