my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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