Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
