i don't like sucking hair
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
