Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
