Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
