Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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