I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
