i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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