my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize