happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
