good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
