she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize