Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
