When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
