no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
