I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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