I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
