i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize