I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
