my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
