i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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