You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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