The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize