i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
