Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
