First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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