It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
BRING THE BAGELS
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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