Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
