Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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