Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
