Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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