if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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