Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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